Vaguely Vindictive

This post is in response to “another blog” and while it might be childish, I need to vent:

All your  posts about how wonderful he is do not erase the memories of all the lies, nor does it change the fact you two were plotting behind my back. You broke girl code, accepted sloppy seconds, however you want to term it.

Those posts also do not change my happy memories or history as it truly happened instead of the version you receive. I will always remember choosing that house you now sleep in, meeting the family you now claim as yours, being called “Auntie”- not just my name. Driving across country, through near-tornadoes, ice storms and fog banks. Gaining new friends who would take a bullet for me. Discovering new things I never knew I would like. Riding my bike on the trail you run on. Doing housework as I loved to take care of “my man”. Learning new aspects of a profession I have been in for years. Taking Moxie to the dog park. Discovering what is truly important-which isn’t traveling, tweeting, wine or making myself seem interesting. I was instead becoming tougher, stronger, fiercer.

You are correct in your posts, Montana is a wonderful place. It gets in your blood and when you are truly part of the state, as I was and am, you stay there even after you move away. I hope my ghost in that house and state linger with you.

Through all of the pain, I did learn what I do and do not accept from a relationship. Mostly I learned I deserve so much more than lies, cruelty and less than half of his heart.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Mark and I are both dating other people now. His new/old girlfriend (dated her before) has a blog in which she loves to post every. single. detail. about how happy they are and how fabulous their relationship is. I get a feeling that, much like my blog used to be, it’s a front to convince the world that things are better than they really are.

That being said, hey, maybe they will work out this time. More power to her. I’m not wild about the insistence that they are just the greatest couple ever, especially considering the less-than-honorable rekindling of their relationship, but hey if it’s working for them, bless them. All the tweets and posts in the world cannot change the truth or my memories.

An Overdue Update

this is the post I had hoped I would never write. This post is me, tail between my legs, declaring to the world that the man I loved so much, the man I gave up everything I knew for, broke my heart. I will spare you the details, but there was a lot of lying, refusal to get over the past and some emotional abuse. I’m back home, with my family. Leaving Montana was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I made wonderful friends out there and learned so much about myself. I suppose I am thankful for everything now, even the pain, as I have discovered life sets you on the path you’re meant to be on. The reason why things happen isn’t always clear immediately, but I like to think my future is starting to come into focus.

An Emo Update

Feeling down lately. Exhausted from work, and it feels like for every step Mark and I take forward in our relationship, we take another 2 backwards. I’m extremely frustrated and I am wondering what to do.

Time is cruel

among other things.  I was just on Facebook, and decided to look up an old high school friend. I had an art class with her, and she was one year ahead of me. She was dating the mascot (his name was Joe, and he was our “Running Redman”). Her name was Stephanie and she was a very positive, sweet and encouraging girl. She took time to listen to me and we became fast friends. I was excited to serve as an usher at her graduation ceremony as a junior so I could participate in the day with her and several other upper classmen friends I had made. We lost touch after I graduated high school, having seen each other a few times here and there, but I always remembered her kindness and her grace, which made her seem much older than she was. Those of you who have FB know that when you search for a person, it also brings up an internet search, and I saw there was an obituary for her. Not wanting to believe it was true, I clicked on it. There was her beautiful, smiling face, which I hadn’t seen in 17 years. She married, and had 2 young children. And she’s gone. I’m still fighting back tears as I type this.  Apparently, she suffered some devastating seizures and I am glad she’s no longer suffering, but wish she never had been through any of it in the first place. I hope her husband and children can find solace and peace. I wish I could tell them I still remember how kind and encouraging she always was, well before she was a wife and mother.  All I can do is to live the way she lived, with grace and encouraging others to live their best life.  I miss you, Stephanie. You were my friend for just a few months, but you will be in my heart forever.

The positive side

I guess I’m making up for lost time here, in these last few hours. Just had a few thoughts while I was in the shower. This TDY has been rather difficult for me, but you have got to find the positives in every situation. So I am going to list a few things about separation that are not as bad:

• I don’t have to wait to use the bathroom. In Alabama, we had 2, not the case here. So it’s nice not having to wait or put the seat down.
• I get the whole bed to myself, or at least what is left after the pets get in with me.
• I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want. Nasty bad-breath causing food anytime.
• Shaving my legs? What for?
• I don’t have to watch The Speed Channel
• Sweatpants and t-shirts everyday
• I’ve been able to work on my crafts and feminize the house

Don’t get me wrong, I miss Mark and can’t wait for him to get home. But, dwelling on him not being here and moping isn’t doing me any good. Gotta be positive. Hoping he gets me another shot glass to add to my collection!

I hate feeling needy

I really don’t like being the weepy, weak, pathetic girl waiting at home for her guy. But a lot has happened since Mark left for his TDY that has knocked the wind out of me and I feel like I can’t get my feet back under me. My parents had to put my 16 year old dog down and that same day my father was told he had a mass on his liver. The “mass” turned out to be a benign cyst, but it was still an extremely frightening time. My grandmother has been sick with a rattling cough since Thanksgiving and her doctor is thinking it may be heart failure.  A very dear friend had an abnormal pap result and now needs to have a biopsy. This is in addition to the tv breaking, my car trunk latch malfunctioning, the gate in back breaking and Mark’s dog almost running away as a result. When I lived in Ohio and Mark lived in Alabama, I never felt this helpless, this pathetic. But, I suppose with everything that’s happened, I should give myself a break. I know it will get better. I start my job next week, which will certainly ease the loneliness, and it will make the last month of his TDY fly by. It’s times like this that make me so very grateful for Mark, for my friends and for my family. I wouldn’t be able to get through any of this without them.

Another New Year, another new beginning

It seems as though I have “started over” more times in the last 3 years than I can even comprehend at times. Between moving 3 times, switching jobs and my whole romance with Mark, it’s enough to make anyone’s head spin. For 2011, here’s what is on the agenda as far as I’m aware. Keep in mind it’s only the middle of January: settling in in Montana and starting my new job at a hospital in February. Mark will be returning from his TDY in March. After that, we’ll see what happens.  I am excited about my new job, though I don’t have experience working in a hospital pharmacy. I look forward to learning new skills and meeting new people. It will also help the last month of Mark’s TDY to pass a lot faster for me. I miss him terribly and it’s lonely here. I only know one person here in Montana, which would be our landlord. He’s nice, but I don’t really see me hanging out with him.  So starting my job is going to help me to focus on something other than Mark being gone.  Now that I’m reflecting on everything that I’ve been through, I do not regret one choice I’ve made or one change I’ve made. I’ve said before that I believe we’re all on a path that leads us to our destiny and for the last few years, I’ve been learning to enjoy the ride.

I’m noticing a trend…

I move, Mark goes on a TDY. This happened when I moved to Alabama, except that TDY was only 5 days. This TDY for Mark is 9 weeks. 9 long weeks. He’ll miss Valentines Day and we’ve only been in Montana 2 weeks, so I’m not sure where I’m going yet. I guess it’s safe to say I’m feeling more than a little down. But, I’m desperately trying to keep myself busy. Lots to do yet with the house, and as soon as we get reimbursed for all the PCS costs, I will be visiting my family in Ohio. I’ve applied for a few jobs, will be applying for a few more and got a few crafts to do and books to read. That’s really going to be the key, is keeping myself busy. Wallowing and moping will get me nowhere.  The great thing I’ve noticed among military wives/girlfriends is there is an almost instant kinship. We all know what the other is going through and we band together quickly to help each other out. My “military friends” stretch from my hometown in Ohio to Alabama to Florida to Colorado to Germany to California and all over the world thanks to the worldwide web. And I am so very grateful to all of them. I will need their love and support these next several weeks. When you’re “just a girlfriend” you can’t always find out as much information as a wife can, so these people become my lifeline in the event I can’t reach Mark or if there’s something I’m too embarrassed to ask him.  Military wives and girlfriends certainly do form a sisterhood of sorts, and we’re some of the strongest women you’ll ever meet!

Doubt

There are times I do not think I am strong enough to do this. This is one of those times.