I’m feeling far better than I did yesterday. I overthink, I stress myself out, and I subscribe to self-doubt far too much. Realizing that I am still having a hard time accepting that someone as wonderful as Mark really does love me, and there is no “catch”. I’ve had some pretty bad relationships in the past, and I’ve had some people who have used me in the past, as co-workers, friends, etc. You would think it would be a welcome change, but it’s almost just as hard as dealing with the hurt. You wait for the rug to get pulled out from under you. But that’s not going to happen. I’m trying so hard to keep myself from sabotaging this, from pushing Mark away with my insecurities. He is a far better man than I ever dreamed of having come into my life.
Archive for November, 2010
I’ve got some problems I’m self-diagnosing myself with. The first is green-eyed monster syndrome. The second is insecurity. The third is past-reflux syndrome. As in, I’m tired of the past coming up and making me want to vomit. I’m tired of comparing myself to girls Mark has dated in the past and deciding that maybe I’m not as interesting (or even that my blog isn’t as well-written). Well, then there’s the insecurity flaring up. But then I take a good look at myself. I AM pretty darn interesting and have done some awesome things in my life. Not just anyone can say they’ve contributed to the lives of thousands of people affected by cancer, diabetes and other illnesses in a positive way. I once was thanked by a double-lung transplant recipient and his family with tears in his eyes for the work me and the rest of the pharmacy staff had done for him. I’m pretty funny, as most of my peeps will tell you. I am very affectionate and try to be considerate and understanding. I never assume that my work in the healthcare field is more important than the work he does. But I think my most endearing quality is my loyalty. Granted, that makes me sound slightly like a golden retriever, but when you are dating someone who’s had people walk away for reasons incomprehensible, loyalty goes a long way. I don’t cheat, I don’t flirt with other guys and I can honestly say I would give my life for Mark. I guess I am a keeper, after all…
Mark is working hard to get his “project truck” at least in towable condition for the move and I really haven’t done much to prepare for the move to MT. I’ve gone through a few items, sorted what will go to Goodwill, but otherwise I haven’t done anything. Just trying to keep the house running and myself sane seems like enough work for the time being. We are less than one month away from our PCS to MT, and I’m sure I should be panicking but I’m not. Mark is very capable and until he panics, I won’t. He’s an extremely wonderful provider, plus he’s silly so that helps with any tension that comes up. I had been hoping to go back to Ohio for Christmas, but with the PCS so close to Christmas, that just isn’t going to happen. We have the PCS, and we’ll have the entire house to set up. Plus, Mark’s got to find out what’s going on with his new job, so I don’t really want to leave him on his own with all of that. So, not so sure when we’ll be getting back to Ohio, but at least we’ll be spending Thanksgiving with his family, and have some sort of holiday. This PCS is going to be our major hurdle and if we can survive it, I know we’ll survive anything.
So, we’ve got a house, we’ve got each other, what else do Mark and I need, right? Actively looking for a job despite not yet being licensed as a pharm tech in Montana. That should be taken care of shortly, and then I can apply hooray! We’re now assessing what will and will not make the move out there, Mark’s currently seeing what would be cheaper for us in regards to having the military move us or doing it ourselves. Need to get myself some better cold weather gear as my down jacket is approximately 20 years old. Glad to say the road trip went pretty well, Mark and I did not kill each other and finding a house really helped ease a lot of my anxiety. I seriously stick out like a sore thumb there, what with my tunics and leggings and fashionista tendencies and everyone else in their fleece pullovers and cowboy wear. Yeaahh… good times coming up for sure!!