Now, anyone who’s read my blog or had a conversation with me knows I do not think I’m perfect. Far from it, in fact. I beat myself up a little too much. But I will say a few good things about myself in today’s post. I’ve lived through a lot of things that A) most people don’t know about and B) most people probably wouldn’t be able to get through. I’ve endured more emotional torment and bullying than any of today’s suicidal kids could have ever feared or imagined and I’m still standing. I’ve been betrayed by people who purported to be my friends, lovers and colleagues. I’ve been lied to as many times as there are stars in the sky. My feelings were often either completely disregarded or taken for granted. I’ve had someone who told me he loved me physically, mentally and emotionally abuse me. I’ve had someone who I love explain away a lie by telling me “he didn’t think it would hurt my feelings” and then continue to engage in the behavior. I’ve had someone use me simply for physical comfort. A girl who bullied me to the point that my parents pulled me out of school for 2 weeks still makes snarky comments if she runs into me at the store. However, I’m at the point where I realize that if none of these things had happened to me, I would not be who I am today. And I’m not an overly religious person by any means, but I feel that God would never put me through anything He didn’t feel I couldn’t handle. I’m not going to bad-mouth any of these people here on my blog, just because of the things they did. We all make bad decisions, we all do things we aren’t proud of. Have I always behaved in a dignified and respectful manner? Hell no, so why do I expect saintly behavior out of everyone else 110% of the time? People you love will disappoint you, it’s just up to you whether or not you can forgive them. I’m working on forgiving these people, for some it’s been an extremely long time coming. Since Mark and I got together, he truly inspires me to be a better person, and part of that is letting go of the past, letting go of things that hold me back from being my true self. I may never forget what these people did to me (nor should I- that’s wisdom) but I think forgiveness is possible.
December 7, 2010