… and it will be a short one ( I think). I’m inspired by music this time around. I cannot tell you the last time I actually listened to Linkin Park. I know they were in heavy rotation when I was dating my abusive ex. But listening to their song “Waiting for the End” and a couple of lines really standing out: “The hardest part of ending is starting again”. Talk about appropriate right now… especially for me and Mark going to a new location, and getting over some extreme tension and hurt feelings. The second line is “I’m holding on to what I haven’t got”. How many of us are doing just that??
Posts tagged ‘Mark’
I’ve had time to review my previous post and I’ve decided I want to add a bit more to it. Instead of just editing it, I’m adding this post as a sort of post script or addendum. Trying to keep all the thoughts separate to make sure they’re all included.
So, I was pondering what I had written regarding my previous experiences making me the person I am today. Does that make me grateful for having gone through some truly horrendous things? Yes and no. Yes, because it makes me appreciate the beautiful and simple things. No, because there are things that people should never have to endure.
I’m going to say something that people may be offended by, but hear me out: everyone needs to experience heartache. I don’t know why people think they should be exempt from it. Why do you think you can pass up a fantastic opportunity/person and then not be disappointed when it isn’t still there when you finally get around to realizing you should’ve taken the chance? People like that drive me insane, and they’re usually the whiners and blame everyone but themselves. Yes, there are a few people I am thinking of, but I’m going to be kind and not make any direct references.
I guess what I’m saying is I definitely feel we’ve all got a path we’ve been put on. Whether you want to call it God’s will or Karma, whatever. You can cry in your cereal all you want about oh boo hoo hoo why didn’t I go out with him when I had the chance or you can accept the fact that that particular ship has sailed and you really need to get on with your life. We cling to things too much, we brood, we stew. I’m just as guilty as anyone else. I told Mark once we get to Montana, it’s a new start. The past is the past and it’s being buried in the red clay of Alabama. I’ve been through things good and bad, I’ve survived. I feel I came out a better person.
In summary: your heart will break, people will disappoint you, things will go wrong, let these things go and you will survive.
Now, anyone who’s read my blog or had a conversation with me knows I do not think I’m perfect. Far from it, in fact. I beat myself up a little too much. But I will say a few good things about myself in today’s post. I’ve lived through a lot of things that A) most people don’t know about and B) most people probably wouldn’t be able to get through. I’ve endured more emotional torment and bullying than any of today’s suicidal kids could have ever feared or imagined and I’m still standing. I’ve been betrayed by people who purported to be my friends, lovers and colleagues. I’ve been lied to as many times as there are stars in the sky. My feelings were often either completely disregarded or taken for granted. I’ve had someone who told me he loved me physically, mentally and emotionally abuse me. I’ve had someone who I love explain away a lie by telling me “he didn’t think it would hurt my feelings” and then continue to engage in the behavior. I’ve had someone use me simply for physical comfort. A girl who bullied me to the point that my parents pulled me out of school for 2 weeks still makes snarky comments if she runs into me at the store. However, I’m at the point where I realize that if none of these things had happened to me, I would not be who I am today. And I’m not an overly religious person by any means, but I feel that God would never put me through anything He didn’t feel I couldn’t handle. I’m not going to bad-mouth any of these people here on my blog, just because of the things they did. We all make bad decisions, we all do things we aren’t proud of. Have I always behaved in a dignified and respectful manner? Hell no, so why do I expect saintly behavior out of everyone else 110% of the time? People you love will disappoint you, it’s just up to you whether or not you can forgive them. I’m working on forgiving these people, for some it’s been an extremely long time coming. Since Mark and I got together, he truly inspires me to be a better person, and part of that is letting go of the past, letting go of things that hold me back from being my true self. I may never forget what these people did to me (nor should I- that’s wisdom) but I think forgiveness is possible.
Well, now that all the kinks have been worked out, Mark and I will be moving to Montana in 12 days. Not much has been packed. I am procrastinating like nobody’s business. We visited his parents for Thanksgiving in FL, and since then I just haven’t had much motivation to do much of anything. The trailer will be here in a week and we won’t have much time to pack it. I should be panicking but I’m not. I have so much faith in him and I’m so looking forward to our new start in Montana, that I just can’t seem to be bothered by it. Haven’t been feeling so well, so that’s playing a part in my laziness too. Once things settle down in (snowy, cold) Montana, I’ll have to find a PCP and schedule an appointment. If only I were a dependent and had those nice Tricare benefits and could just see an on-base md. Going to miss wearing flip flops all the time and only having to wear a hoodie in place of an actual winter coat, but thanks to a full winter in the snowbelt of Ohio, I should be ok. Mark and I were discussing getting a snowblower (snowthrower? which is it?) and we found out I have more experience with them than he does. Good thing we won’t have one or I’d be out there freezing my buns off. In any event, the move date is coming up, ready or not…
I’m feeling far better than I did yesterday. I overthink, I stress myself out, and I subscribe to self-doubt far too much. Realizing that I am still having a hard time accepting that someone as wonderful as Mark really does love me, and there is no “catch”. I’ve had some pretty bad relationships in the past, and I’ve had some people who have used me in the past, as co-workers, friends, etc. You would think it would be a welcome change, but it’s almost just as hard as dealing with the hurt. You wait for the rug to get pulled out from under you. But that’s not going to happen. I’m trying so hard to keep myself from sabotaging this, from pushing Mark away with my insecurities. He is a far better man than I ever dreamed of having come into my life.
I’ve got some problems I’m self-diagnosing myself with. The first is green-eyed monster syndrome. The second is insecurity. The third is past-reflux syndrome. As in, I’m tired of the past coming up and making me want to vomit. I’m tired of comparing myself to girls Mark has dated in the past and deciding that maybe I’m not as interesting (or even that my blog isn’t as well-written). Well, then there’s the insecurity flaring up. But then I take a good look at myself. I AM pretty darn interesting and have done some awesome things in my life. Not just anyone can say they’ve contributed to the lives of thousands of people affected by cancer, diabetes and other illnesses in a positive way. I once was thanked by a double-lung transplant recipient and his family with tears in his eyes for the work me and the rest of the pharmacy staff had done for him. I’m pretty funny, as most of my peeps will tell you. I am very affectionate and try to be considerate and understanding. I never assume that my work in the healthcare field is more important than the work he does. But I think my most endearing quality is my loyalty. Granted, that makes me sound slightly like a golden retriever, but when you are dating someone who’s had people walk away for reasons incomprehensible, loyalty goes a long way. I don’t cheat, I don’t flirt with other guys and I can honestly say I would give my life for Mark. I guess I am a keeper, after all…
Mark is working hard to get his “project truck” at least in towable condition for the move and I really haven’t done much to prepare for the move to MT. I’ve gone through a few items, sorted what will go to Goodwill, but otherwise I haven’t done anything. Just trying to keep the house running and myself sane seems like enough work for the time being. We are less than one month away from our PCS to MT, and I’m sure I should be panicking but I’m not. Mark is very capable and until he panics, I won’t. He’s an extremely wonderful provider, plus he’s silly so that helps with any tension that comes up. I had been hoping to go back to Ohio for Christmas, but with the PCS so close to Christmas, that just isn’t going to happen. We have the PCS, and we’ll have the entire house to set up. Plus, Mark’s got to find out what’s going on with his new job, so I don’t really want to leave him on his own with all of that. So, not so sure when we’ll be getting back to Ohio, but at least we’ll be spending Thanksgiving with his family, and have some sort of holiday. This PCS is going to be our major hurdle and if we can survive it, I know we’ll survive anything.